Category Archives: Shorts

Five Feet Short #2

I keep rewriting the post I meant to have had up earlier this week, but I haven’t been able to get to the point yet. In the meantime, you’ll have to endure the second issue of Five Feet Short, and laugh. Doesn’t your life suck?

I don’t want a TV show that’s set in my home where people will mock me, mock my life, mock everything I believe in. I don’t want some publisher to tell me what to write. And I certainly do not want a TV channel to forbid me to write about political and religious views I may or may not have. If I God dammit mother Mary Christ Jesus David Cameron Loreal Chanel Dior and all of the Max Factors in the world want to mention a brand that’s not one of the TV channels sponsors I get sued … Hello, it’s my blog.
Yvonne Eijkenduijn, on her blog Yvestown, one of my longtime favorites, 10/24/12

  • So much interior. Why do we need it? Why don’t we rent it to China or something?
    Chat with Sarah, after seeing all of those red states on election night, 11/6/12

This is the true story of a Monroe College student sent to the Dominican Republic, to work for ten days and have himself photographed, to find out what happens when people stop being even a little bit smart and start getting real... The Real World.I’ve seen this ad on the subway countless times, but during the most recent moment that my eyes have had the delight of taking in its vogue design, I realized just how very hilarious it was. How, pray tell, is working as a medical assistant for ten stupid days AS REAL-WORLD AS IT GETS? You know what I think it’s as real world as? MTV’s The Real World. So if that’s what you meant, Monroe College, which I’m sure you did, then, good job. This dude is totally ready. (Click for larger image. And don’t forget to hover your mouse over the thumbnail for the alt text.)

Two thoughts, one long subway ride home. Not a minute after I stopped laughing at Monroe College did a man peddling candy proceed into my car. His elevator pitch was a little different than the “please help me stay off the streets” spiel I’m used to hearing, especially the part where he suggested to all of us that his candy will be “yummy in your tummy.” That’s when I came up with Michelle Obama’s (congrats, by the way) next obesity campaign. The text will read, “Yummy in your tummy? It’s only yummy in your mouth, ya dummy!” positioned over a photo of this kid, maybe? Remember, this is the family-friendly version. Otherwise, it would simply read, “You fat fuck!”


Five Feet Short #1

Prologue: People laugh at what I say because it’s completely obvious and true that I never intended what was said to be funny in the first place.

I have a need to share humorous and noteworthy things with the world, but rarely are they made for their own entries. This isn’t Tumblr, after all. So I started a list, and every Friday, I will post the past week’s things that I want to share, including, but not limited to links, thoughts, observations, facts, quotes, photos, Facebook statuses, tweets, and–this doesn’t need to be said–anything else I want. Have you ever noticed that when someone says that something doesn’t need to be said, they say it anyway? I did that here, on purpose, to prove a point.

I am calling this series Five Feet Short, with five representing the number of imperial units called feet between any given floor or ground covering and the top of my head. And if it pleases you, you can read all of these shorts in rapid succession via the link on the sidebar.

Here are THINGS! I say things a lot.

  • My grandma is too fancy for short form names. She moved down to Florida just weeks ago and wrote in an email, “Weren’t we lucky to have missed Sandra?”
    Facebook status update, 10/31/12
  • When trying to Rick Roll someone, it is best to use a link that does not embed a video with “Rick Astley” in the title. Just a thought.
    my comment on my ex-boyfriend Ben’s Facebook status, in which he was jokingly trying to convince me that my car was severely damaged by Hurricane Sandy, 10/31/12
  • I lost my namesake Twitter handle! I used to be @aliciahurst, but I changed it to @aliciainthecity last year, AND NOW A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL HAS IT. This is my biggest failure in life to date.
    Facebook status update, 11/1/12
  • I just discovered that Honey Boo Boo also likes her spaghetti with butter and ketchup.
    my friend Colin’s Facebook status update, 11/2/12
  • omg omg omg all of a sudden it smells like old people in my apartment, what happened!?!?!
    chat with Yana, 11/2/12

church music explOsionIn mid-October, my good friend and fellow designer, Yana, introduced me to famous organist-cum-80s-style-TV-show-host, Diane Bish. Suffering from secondhand embarrassment throughout, we watched her Public Access Television videos on YouTube, one of which was an interview featuring Diane’s latest book, Church Music Explosion. The description of the book is as follows: “How to begin and run a church concert series; Building an audience for tomorrow/children’s demonstrations; Playing the worship service; Conducting choir rehearsal; Choral, organ repertoire list; Educating congregation to music.” EXPLOSION! If the title doesn’t double you over in laughter, or, at least, if you can’t conceive of how inconsolably doubled over I was when I saw that, then you have no soul.

Added Yana, “I like how the O is big.”